Chet & Floyd vs. The Apocalypse: Volume 1 Read online

“That was like a week’s worth of food all rationed out,” Floyd yelled. “Why did you go and eat it all?”

  “I needed to carb up for my speech,” Chet said.

  “I’m going to kill you Chet.”

  “I was running low on gluten. I need to get some fast fuel.” Chet thumped his stomach, which Floyd noticed was rounded like a little drum against the wiry muscle and skeletal flesh of the rest of his body. Floyd thought about pummeling him and making him throw up the food, but it would be no use. The food was gone. He decided on a different act of revenge.

  “Nice belly Chet. You’re really letting yourself go,” Floyd said.

  “Nice try Floyd. You can’t hurt my feelings,” Chet said.

  Floyd walked away. Chet put his hand on his belly. He looked around to see if anyone was looking. When he saw he was alone he walked behind the platform, jammed his fingers down his throat and threw up.

  Chapter 39

  Chet walked over to the rough podium. His hands shook as he took his notes out from his jeans pocket. “We have heard a lot of speeches today by those who would rule you. Those who would be your leader in a dictoral way. I am not that dick. I will not be a leader who tells you what to do. I couldn’t care less what you do. And you know I mean that statement in a way that I care much about what you do.” Chet gave the confused looking audience a moment to grasp the meaning of his last sentence.

  “You don’t need a leader who will judge you and your decisions. You’ve survived the apocalypse, and I think that makes you a fairly good decision maker. The ones that didn’t survive are the losers. They should have listened to you. I will listen to you.” Chet paused. He had the people’s attention now.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Floyd whispered

  “I don’t know, but it’s working so be quiet,” Chet said. He turned his attention back to the people.

  “Do you want someone to tell you what to do all the time? Do you want a big stern father figure for a leader? A leader that will tear you a new one if you cross him? Do you want an overly hovering mother who will kiss all your boo boos and treat you like a baby? Of course you don’t! You want a friend.

  “I will be your friend. I will be your wingman. You don’t know how to swim? I will not get in your way of learning. I will be the leader who pushes you into the water and walks away. The rest is up to you. My reign—and I mean ‘reign’ in the most democratic way possible—will not be one of torture or indulgence. I promise you.

  “You will hardly know I’m even there. You’ll walk into my office and wonder, ‘Where is Chet? Is he even here? Is he on vacation?’ The answer will probably be yes. Even if it isn’t, and I am hard at work, you may not even notice the work that’s being done.” This brought on a few confused cheers from the crowd.

  Chet shot his hands in the air, accidentally tossing his notes into the audience. A look of worry flashed over Chet’s face.

  He leaned over to Floyd. “What do I do? My notes!”

  “Just wing it and hurry up. I want to get the heck off this stage,” Floyd said.

  “What do I say?”

  “Speak from the heart,” Floyd said. “Let the words flow. Just put a cork in it after a couple minutes.” Chet nodded.

  Chet turned back to his audience. “I will leave you with one final thought, then I promise my speech will be over,” he said to the crowd. “You may be torn over whom to vote for tomorrow. I don’t know. I can’t read your minds. What I do know is that there is a high cost of surviving in these end times. I am willing to pay that cost. I will spend like a freak. Once I paid three hundred dollars for a simple gallon of milk.

  “Let me tell you a little story. I signed up for a credit card once. I wanted the free shirt they were offering. Upon getting my card I went to my local grocery store and bought a gallon of skim milk with it. I then threw away the card and ripped up all of my statements. A couple years and a few moves later I got a phone call from a collector who had been trying to track me down for some time. He reminded me of my debts and how they must be paid. Years of interest and late penalties on my card came out to a staggering number, but we settled on three hundred and called it a day.

  “That is the type of leader you will get in me. You will be my skim milk. You may be only worth three bucks and will expire soon, but I would pay three hundred for you without batting an eye. Be my costly milk!” Chet slammed his fist down on the podium. There were a few claps, but mostly people just gave him weird looks.

  Chet smiled and slapped Floyd on the back. “You’re up Floydlander. Good luck.”

  Floyd stepped up to the podium. “I don’t know why you guys picked me,” Floyd said. “I don’t even want to be up here. Vote for someone else.” Floyd walked away from the podium to a smattering of applause.

  Chapter 40

  Floyd was entertaining a lady friend in the front room of his house when Chet slammed through the front door. The door swung inwards with such force the doorknob jammed itself into the wall, pinning the door in place. Floyd, who was used to these types of entrances, didn’t flinch. His date, however, screamed and fell backwards.

  “I’m going to kill you Floyd,” Chet yelled, throwing a wadded up piece of paper at Floyd’s head. It bounced off and thumped onto the floor.

  Floyd’s date, a small blonde woman with the pinched face of a mole, rose to her feet and fired off a shotgun round at the door. Chet ducked under the bullet’s spray and cursed.

  Floyd ripped the gun out of her hands and shoved her somewhat firmly into an easy chair.

  “He’s not really going to kill me,” Floyd said to the scared woman. She was breathing rapidly from the shock of it all. “That’s Chet. He’s not much for social graces.”

  “I’m not one for social graces?” Chet said from the floor. “Who rolled out the welcome mat by trying to fill me full of bullets? What kind of place is this anyway? I am a guest here.”

  “You came in here yelling murder. What was I supposed to think?” the woman said.

  “You could have at least tried to reason with me first,” Chet said.

  “That’s how I reason with people,” the woman said.

  Chet instantly fell in love with her, but he just as instantly kept this to himself. He would never try to take a woman from his friend. It was the guy code. Chet never broke the guy code.

  “You and Chet should get along with each other famously,” Floyd said. “This is Sue.”

  “Like the Johnny Cash song,” Chet said.

  “Not exactly,” Floyd said. Sue took her shotgun back from Floyd and smoothed out her clothes.

  “Nice to meet you, I think,” Sue said. “Floyd has told me much about you.”

  “That’s just great, but enough small talk. Floyd, I’m going to kill you!” Chet said, then, looking warily at Sue, quickly rambled out, “In the most figurative way speaking so as not to have someone try and shoot me.”

  “What’s going on?” Floyd asked.

  “This is going on!” Chet scrambled for the wadded up paper on the floor and unwrinkled it for Floyd to see.

  The polling results were in. Chet lost. Some guy named Zukov had easily won the whole thing.

  “So we lost,” Floyd said. “It’s not as if we have it so bad here. We each have a nice place to live. At least I think you do. You spend so much of your time over here. We do a little work. We have food to eat and are relatively safe. What’s the big deal?” Chet sighed and slumped onto the room’s couch.

  “I am in mourning for a dream crushed.” Chet said. “I have always wanted to be the leader of a great people. I used to see myself coming out of a window to stare out at my adoring multitudes. They would cheer and praise my name. I was on the doorstep of my dream, and it has been dashed before me like so much glass.”

  “The end of what you said doesn’t make much sense, but I get the gist of what you’re saying,” Floyd said. “Sorry about that buddy. Maybe next year.”

  “They do this every year?” Chet said.


  “Elections will occur annually to prevent the whole exploitation-of-power thing.” Floyd said.

  “I thought it was a lifetime deal,” Chet said. “I don’t know what they would expect me to accomplish in a year.”

  “You didn’t win,” Sue said. “You don’t have to accomplish anything.”

  Chet ignored her.

  “You took second Floyd,” Chet said.

  Floyd picked up the paper with surprise.

  “So I did,” Floyd said. He smiled as he perused the names and numbers written on the paper. “That’s kind of funny that I got more votes than you. I didn’t even want to win.”

  “Stop wiping your butt with my dreams Floyd,” Chet said. “If I didn’t win I would have wished you did.”

  “That’s nice of you to say,” Floyd said.

  “Yeah, I know you didn’t really want it so I could rule through you. I could use you like a puppet. Shove my hand way up in there and make you dance to my every whim.”

  “That’s just great Chet,” Floyd said.

  “Shove it way up there.”

  “That’s quite enough,” Floyd said. “So you didn’t win. I feel pretty bad for you and want to be supportive and all, but I am entertaining a lady friend tonight. Can I catch up with you tomorrow?”

  Chet didn’t move or respond.

  “Chet, can I catch up with you tomorrow?”

  “You’re talking to me? I thought you would kick her out. Bros first,” Chet said.

  “Get out of here,” Sue said, thumbing her shotgun.

  Chet got up from the couch heavily and walked out the door.

  Floyd called after him. “Where are you going to go tonight?”

  “I’m going to see Zukov and congratulate him on his win. It’s the right thing to do,” Chet said. His voice trailed off as his footsteps pounded off the porch and onto the street.

  Chapter 41

  Twelve hours later, Floyd walked out of his house and down the steps. He fell after stepping on a lump at the bottom of the stairs.

  “Ouch,” the lump said. Floyd noticed the lump sounded an awful lot like Chet.

  “What the hell are you doing here Chet? Have you been sleeping out here all night?”

  Chet rubbed the side that Floyd stepped on and sat up. “I was going over to see Zukov, and I didn’t make it very far. I didn’t want to go home, so I just stayed here.”

  Sue walked out the front door and came down the steps.

  “She stayed here all night?” Chet said.

  “I did, but you knew that already since you’ve been guarding the door all night long. You’re the reason your friend got lucky. I could see you from inside and didn’t leave because I thought you were waiting to slit my throat,” Sue said.

  “I would never do that!” Chet said.

  “He does have a odd sort of morality that would prohibit such an action,” Floyd said, sticking up for his friend. “He wouldn’t harm you.”

  Sue raised an eyebrow at him. “Whatever,” Sue said. “We have to go to work.”

  “She’s got you on a tight leash already,” Chet said.

  “No. I can just tell time you asshole,” Sue said.

  “My feelings!” Chet said. A look of anguish crossed his face. “You’ve wounded me deeply. I demand a three part apology. And a heartfelt one!”

  “Let’s just get going,” Floyd said. The three of them went to cross the street. A flatbed truck was crossing the road, full of workers for the day.

  Chet pushed Sue in front of the passing vehicle. Her head hit the front bumper and exploded in a spray of brains and bits of skull.

  “Sue!” Floyd yelled. “What the hell Chet?” He punched Chet in the temple knocking him unconscious. Then he ran over to Sue, who was very much dead. The crowd filled in around them.

  The community’s security ripped into the scene and took Chet. The shoved him into their car and drove off.

  It was two days before Floyd finally became calm enough to stomp off to the government building to see Zukov. Floyd had gotten in by telling the front office that he was congratulating Zukov on his victory.

  Zukov’s office was a small one, but Zukov was a small man. His squat stature made Floyd think of Gimley from Lord of the Rings. He looked at Floyd grimly as he entered the room.

  “I thought you would be showing up here eventually,” Zukov said in a gravelly voice. “That psycho Chet kept saying you would be here to avenge him.”

  “Avenge him for what?” Floyd said.

  “I’m having him killed in a week. Executed.”

  “For killing that girl?”

  “That would have been reason enough, yes. But I have several more. That guy came in here like a tornado on election night,” Zukov said. “My door almost ripped off its hinges. He was screaming that he was going to kill me. I could have taken him captive immediately that night if I’d wanted too.”

  “He’s harmless. He doesn’t think before he speaks.”

  “He wasn’t so gentle with that girl Sue, now was he? And he wasn’t so harmless at that riot. I don’t think he even knows how many people he killed. I saw what he did,” Zukov said. “I don’t need a nut like that in this community. He didn’t kill me then, but I know he will in the future. He’s a loose cannon and a criminal. He dies.”

  “He was here that night? He told me he wasn’t,” Floyd said.

  “He threatened to kill me. I’m the leader of this community,” Zukov said.

  “He’s my friend. What if you left him in my custody? We will leave quietly and never come back here. You have my promise on that.”

  “Your promise means nothing to me. I don’t know who you are, and I’ve been toying with the idea that I should have you put to death as well. I’m just glad the community isn’t in your hands. I can only imagine what things would have been like if the vote turned out your way.”

  “I’m pretty pissed off at him for killing my girl, but I’m not going to let you kill my friend,” Floyd said.

  “I thought you would say that. There seem to be no surprises for me today,” Zukov said. “I see no reason to kill you. You keep very irrational friends, but you seem rational enough to me. I cannot let you go though. Even rational people can get irrational when their friends are concerned.”

  Six men walked into the room. Floyd didn’t struggle as they tied his arms behind his back and took his weapons. “You are going to be in my custody until the execution is over. He’s been going nuts in his cell and screaming for you, so I’m going to put you together. I don’t see any harm in that. After he’s put to death, you will leave my community quietly. If you come back here, I don’t have to tell you what will happen to you.”

  The men shoved Floyd out the door and took him down the hallway to Chet’s cell. It was all bars on the outer wall. No privacy from the guards who kept watch over the prisoners twenty-four hours a day. Chet was sitting on one of the beds.

  “Hello Floyd,” he said.

  Floyd was shoved roughly into the cell. The bar door slide home with a loud clang. “How nice of you to join me in my final days.”

  “Why did you kill her?” Floyd said.

  “I don’t know if I should tell you, Floydarookins,” Chet said. “You knocked me out cold with that punch. My head still hurts from it. You know I always have a good reason for things.”

  “Just because you always have a reason doesn’t mean it’s a good one. Spill it.”

  “Whether it’s good or bad is all determined by the audience. I can see how you, as her boyfriend, would have seen what I did as reprehensible. It was nothing of the sort. I did kill her, but I did it for you.”

  “Keep talking, but pick up the speed,” Floyd said. “If I don’t hear something good soon, they won’t have to wait a week to kill you. I’ll take care of that myself.”

  “Indeed,” Chet said. “Have a seat, and I will speak to you about love.”

  Chapter 42

  “Now I don’t have to really explain anythi
ng to you at all. I could just tell you to go to hell and that would be the end of it,” Chet said.

  “You pushed my girl in front of an oncoming truck, and you don’t have to explain anything to me?” Floyd said.

  “How quickly you forget things Floyd. Soon I will have to check you into a nursing home and let you convalesce, you senile fiend. It was you, you remember, who most recently shot and killed my girlfriend in cold blood when we were down in that basement. That was not so long ago now was it?” Chet crossed his arms and looked haughtily at Floyd. Floyd had actually forgotten about that. He was momentarily distressed, but that was not enough to stop his determination.

  “You’re actually talking about your ex-girlfriend who sold us down the river. Those guys must have watched The Deer Hunter one too many times. Who plays Russian roulette now? I’ve always said that nothing good was to come from that movie.” Floyd said.

  “It’s still a girlfriend for a girlfriend,” Chet said.

  “You can’t go all Old Testament on me Chet. I don’t buy it. You know as well enough as I do all that Biblical law went out the window when God sent his son Jesus to die on the cross. Don’t be an idiot.”

  “I might have to die here Floyd, but I don’t want to have a theological discussion with you right now.”

  “You’re just trying to aggravate me,” Floyd said. “What’s the real reason?”

  “I want to talk to you about love Floyd,” Chet said. “I love you very much, in a very non-physical platonic kind of way. Just as Sue died for you, I would do the same.”

  “She didn’t die for me. You pushed her in front of a truck.”

  “And for that you owe me your life Floyd. I saved your life that day. Just through someone else.” Chet said this and nodded to Floyd like it was the simplest thing in the world.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Floyd said.

  “You always stand so close to the road Floyd. You stand too close. When I was a boy I was taking with my parents, and we saw a large decorative rock shoved inwards into the sidewalk. At some point a car had crashed into that rock. My parents told me that that’s why you don’t stand right on the edge of the walk. A car can very easily roll over onto the curb and take you out.